Wherever you are sitting at this moment, whether shackled to your desk at work or nestled in between your elusive couch cushions preparing to read this short piece that comes from me, Dr E, to you – I ask you to pause. Take your hands and put them in your lap, let them rest there. Straighten your back, close your eyes and breathe in. Take the air in through your nose and feel the breath filling and expanding your belly. Do this two or three more times, slowly and with attention. Feel better? Good.
Now we can discuss the topic of this week’s blog “the Breath” - the basis for staying alive, so ingrained in our existence that it happens reliably without our awareness. It’s part of our involuntary nervous system. As long as we live our breath is with us. The breath, in its amazing simplicity, is the most immediate and effective access to mastering ourselves, our emotions and the way we interact with others and life itself.
Some of you might know that for many years I made my career in the corporate world. As a business consultant, it was my job to manage and execute projects and coach managers and executives of multi-national companies. Referencing this time I am reminded of being successful at my work yet felt disconnected from my body and spirit. At some point my outlook got resigned and hopeless of never being able to have fulfilling love and joy in my life. This was a period of confusion and delusion for me – it felt like drowning in my helplessness of not being able to create and have what I wanted in my personal life. In a sincere attempt to seek some relief, I decided to take a break and go to Plum Village, a meditation retreat in the South of France. I knew that a peaceful environment was exactly what I needed to sift through my life with a clear head and allow time for some well-ventilated evaluation.
I arrived at the retreat center in an emotionally desolate state, anxious to begin my “clearing” and let go of all the distress. On the second day upon my arrival, I awoke with the dawn for the 6am meditation. I walked into the open air room and took my place on the floor with the other women. The sun had just risen and assumed its eyelevel position on the horizon, emitting that stark, white light that renders water and grass alike the same luminous shade. The room was silent, even footsteps made no sound, and we were all summoned to take our positions and delve deep into our beings.
At first the silence was awkward and paralyzing, similar to the first few seconds after the lights are dimmed and before the movie appears on the theater screen where every cough and twitch around you crawls up your spine. Then, after a few seconds, the silence took on an odd rhythm. Every soundless pump of blood began to hold significance, as it had become my singular and only action. My mind began to wonder; sifting through past loves, reliving familiar anxieties, being caught in gut-wrenching feelings and repetitive chatter in my mind. Then it hit me, not in the cognitive sense, but deep in my body at every cell. Here I was in the South of France, deep in anguish, and utterly alone. I felt like all the events and anxiety in my life that seemed to have caused my pain had taken the seat next to mine on the airplane and had come along to accost me on this retreat. Geographically, I had left those physical offenders behind. Yet, I was still totally affected. After days of meditation and being in silence I got that how I was feeling was a creation of my own making. Anxiety is a feeling, fear is a feeling, despair is a feeling, not simply the punishment and inevitable result of an undesirable situation. Until I’d let my attachment to these feelings go they would live inside me, everywhere I go.
Now, this wasn’t the stereotypical “moment of clarity” people often speak about where rock bottom is behind them and a newfound certainty makes everything go away. This was in fact one of the most desperate and real moments in all of my life. The insight that everything I experience is an emotional manifestation within myself that I create and no one else. At first this was terrifying and yet provided a whole new possibility. It called me into taking responsibility for my state of mind and feelings. The key to doing this, as I had been learning throughout the hours and hours of meditation, was “to breathe”! I learned at that time that I don’t have to do anything. I already breathe every moment day and night. If I were not breathing, I wouldn’t be alive! Bringing my awareness and consciousness to my breathing was the wisdom that altered my life and being. So, I filled and expanded my belly with the breath touching every cell and corner of my being with that life giving energy. Slow and methodical, I was gradually able to feel the calm.
In that instance and many, many since then, conscious breathing has been my guide back to inner peace. Reminding myself to focus on my breath has opened up new ways of being: One is the ongoing mastery of my emotions and reactiveness that surely has altered my life for the better!!!! The other one is the use of my breath in activating and moving life force energy that allows for a sense of wholeness and union within myself and with my beloved. I learned a lot about that through the tantric practice. Yet more about that in the following weeks!
