Recently I was asked by a client how she could learn to shift out of excruciating discomfort and fear. Here is how I worked with her. Feel free to apply this to yourself in your own life the next time you find yourself in a similar place of emotional discomfort.
Here is the scenario: The client I was working with told me that she had said no to a request her partner had made of her. When he was not “overjoyed” by the no and behaved in a distant way she started feeling rejected – a desolate feeling she is most familiar with. In the midst of her emotional upheaval she requested coaching from me:
“Anna, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to stay grounded in yourself - to observe your feelings and to observe Mark’s behavior. You said no to a request he made. Whatever goes on over there for him is his. Your job right now is to stay with what is so for you. If he gets insistent or distant notice that. He is not right or wrong for it – it’s the way he knows how to be with and handle the situation.
What’s so valuable to see for yourself is the way you get triggered when he doesn’t react the way YOU WANT him to react. This is the very place for you to grow – to notice your feelings that are an automatic reaction to his behavior. He just acts the way he knows how to act or react when he does not get what he wants. You interpret it as being rejected by him.
That’s the work:
1. Breathe!!! Notice your feelings and come back to yourself by presencing that you are all right. Breathe into that sense of all-rightness and feel it in your heart. What I am asking you to do is a conscious creation by you in the moment. You can either continue wallowing in the feeling of being rejected or alter the way you feel because you say so. It’s a choice and declaration in the moment BY YOU. And it’s yours to do – no one else can do it for you.
2. Notice your partner’s behavior and feelings – just notice – let him be. When you don’t like the way he is, notice that. That’s a sign for you to come back to yourself and ground yourself in yourself – breathe!!! Notice your feelings and come back to yourself by presencing that you are all right. Breathe into that sense of all-rightness and feel it in your heart.
Shifting from our addictive feelings to creating the way you want to feel might not be that easy initially given that we all are sooooo used to our habitual ways of being. It takes resolve and everyday practice. However, the more you become the master of your feelings – versus the feelings mastering you!!! – the more you will be at peace with yourself and with what is.”
To the Reader: Use this “shifting of emotion” practice in your life and let me know what is showing up for you. I’d love to hear from you!
